Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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