eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
