omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
