Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
