just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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