god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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