I just threw up on my dentist
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
