He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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