Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
