Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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