somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i think my cat just said my name.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
