Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize