i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
