Your dad touched me again.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
