toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
try to milk me bitch
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