apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
