This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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