oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
