Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
