he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
