I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
