well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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