I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
