hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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