if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
