i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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