I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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