I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize