YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
