I accidentally had phone sex last night
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
