So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
me + whiskey = a bad person
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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