So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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