wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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