I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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