Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
