He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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