My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
