I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
