Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
