I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
