i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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