watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
