the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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