I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
