'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
