i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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