i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
