I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
