no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
