i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
