She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
