It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
