I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
