I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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