Jerry, you need to find god
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Houston, we have a squirter
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
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