i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
